You may have noticed that this site was “borked,” or down, or inaccessible, or busted, for the bulk of yesterday. I was doing some technical tweaking to try and stop a sickening flood of referral spam, but accidentally knocked out my website. Ugly timing on that one, because I had just announced my First Annual Readership Survey. Thankfully, ERD’s brilliant part-time web developer Mark Sergienko was on the scene via Gmail Chat, and thanks to his careful salvage work, the site was back up by 11:30 pm. My deepest apologies for my incorrigible incompetence. Please note that the survey is up and running again, and I would still very much love to hear what you have to say. Click here if you’ve got about 2 minutes to spare.

Anyway, what’s this referral spam I’m talking about? Well, most website operators like to see which websites are linking to their own site, and they check up on their referral statistics almost daily. Referral spam is when malicious and devoted spammers try to get your attention by flooding your statistics with fake links to their own sites.

Normally, I can check out my “referrals” page, and it gives me a nice and easy-to-read list of all the sites that are linking to me. Unfortunately, with the spammers at work, now all I see is a mile-long list of fictional, non-existent, over-the-top porno URLs. Take a look: this is the text-only file of all the sites that have “linked” to me so far in May. As you can see, most of them are ridiculous, bogus XXX sites. None of these sites (the sketchy-looking ones, anyway) actually contain links to my site. It’s all zombie spambot computers sending out signals just pretending to have links there.

LAME. They do this JUST in case I happen to have my blog set to automatically publish the list of sites that link to me, which will in turn boost their own sites’ ranking in Google. Obnoxious, meddlesome and kind of offensive, to say the least. Anyway, stopping this kind of spam turns out to be just as obnoxious.

Here’s what I’ve tried so far:
- Modifying a file called .htaccess. Tried that, but it turns out it’s an easy way to destroy your website. Don’t do that unless you know what you’re doing.
- Using a plugin called Bad Behavior. Been using that for two months, still no luck.
- Using a plugin called Referrerl Karma. Tried that: it hasn’t been updated since 2005, installation is absurdly complicated for a third-party WordPress plugin, and it’s not even compatible with the latest version of WordPress.
- Asking Metafilter. No help there.
- Reading about it. Nobody seems to have tackled this topic since around Jan. 2006. Informational sites abound on diagnosing the problem, but none on curing it.

Anyway, long story short, I’ve still got spammer troubles, but the website’s back up again. Thanks for your patience, and if you haven’t already done it, go tell me what you love & hate about this website on my First Annual Readership Survey.

The Internet is like an enormous walk-in dumpster filled with discarded lamps, stale bakery leftovers and damaged umbrellas, newspapers and old bicycles, disgusting leaks from thrown-out pop cans, broken TVs, confidential banking records, free iPods and dented cans of spam. Many people willingly tolerate the wretched stench from the dumpster and the dirty looks they get from their loved ones, and spend many hours rooting through the precarious mounds of trash looking for treasure. Once they find it, they either sell it on eBay or post it somewhere else on the Internet. It’s quite the productive circle-of-life, really.

Anyway, as you know, I’ve been sporting the uniform a seasoned Internet salvage king for some time now, and I trust you’ve trained yourself to check in with me first to see what’s new in the landfill. Today, I bring you a fascinating collection of excellent discoveries which will make you wiggle all over with excitement. Please, take a look:

Item #1: The Corpse Flower is blooming

Speaking of incredibly smelly things that are still somehow captivating, the Botanical Conservatory of the University of California has been cultivating a rare flower called “The Corpse Flower” for over 15 years, and it has just recently started to bloom. The awkwardly beautiful plant got its actual name (Amorphophallus titanium) from the Ancient Greek word for penis, and the resemblance is uncanny: the flower does bear a striking resemblance to the male phallus…crossed with a giant purple fungus. This is an enormous flower, and it’s actually really cool. How could it NOT be? Do you see how many elements of coolness are in this flower’s favour? It’s called “The Corpse Flower,” it’s been growing for 15 years, it’s enormous, it’s shaped like a penis, and it stinks really, really bad. Check it out, on the Conservatory’s site and on Wikipedia.

Item #2: Same-scale subway systems of the world

This is a rad visualization tool: with 1 pixel representing 7 km of track, an enterprising web user has generated to-scale, same-scale maps of various subway systems across the planet. Ranging from complex, haphazard shapes, to remarkably simple systems, this page is super fascinating. Vancouver’s SkyTrain system is even on here! From above, it’s shaped vaguely like an SUV traveling up a mountain. That’s compared to, say, Boston, which looks like a headless stick-man running away from a spear. Awesome.

Item #3: PSST! Pass It On

Ever played that game with your friends where you start drawing a picture, then pass it on to the next person to continue? This is like that. Only with movies, created by animation and video-making gurus. It’s an incredibly trippy voyage into video madness, with bizarre effects and a medley of nonsensical storylines, from a carrot vs. celery war in the garden to a boy finding another dimension inside his bubble-blowing device. If you’ve got some minutes, you should spend them watching some of these videos.

Item #4: Tornado photos to make you cry

Last Friday, a tornado utterly gutted the town of Greensburg, Kansas, leaving virtually nothing standing. This collection of aerial photos by Jaime Oppenheimer displays the damage. Believe it or not, only 9 people died in this mess.

Item #5: Did they just dig up Herod’s tomb?

Could it be that archaeologists have discovered the burial place of Herod, that vicious old New Testament king who killed all children under the age of 2? South of Jerusalam, atop a flattened hilltop and somewhere within the palace complex, a smashed limestone sarcophagus decorated with ornate rosette has been found. Scholars and historians and diggers alike are clapping their dusty hands with centuries-old joy.

Thank you for attending this informal online museum presentation of things I found in the dumpster that impacted, interested or internetted me. Please return now to your homes and loved ones, and have yourself a nice warm shower.

(End note: I just realized that I came across every single one of these links thanks to the devoted link-blogging the Metafilter people. I must give credit.)

Paul McLean will eat your soul

Approximately seven minutes ago, the Calgary Flames were eliminated from the 2007 Stanley Cup Finals by the Detroit Red Wings. The city fell silent and wept into its pillow. All across the prairie town, the Red Mile turned blue, as thousands of Flames fans untied their western-style jersey collars and retired their cowboy hats for the next season.

What they do not yet realize is that the only reason the Red Wings won was because of the incredibly evil, voodoo-infused, world-dominating, devil-worshipping moustache worn by Detroit’s Assistant Coach Paul McLean. I took a photo of him during the 1st overtime intermission. The look in his eyes and the bristles on his ’stache are all violently, vehemently, viciously screaming I STOP AT NOTHINGS TO EATS FROM THE STAMLEE CUP! (The ’stache has horrible grammar) So ends a very short-lived playoff season for all whose hearts were tied to the Calgary Flames. Blame it on the moustache.

1. There’s a new Modest Mouse music video and it’s very good

The giant, loud-mouthed band called Modest Mouse have unleashed an album just a few days ago, and it’s called “We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank.” Their lead single is called, confessionally, “Dashboard.” It’s a very great song to listen to when you want to dance, or even if you don’t want to dance. The Mouse has also released a very special music video to go along with this song. It was created by a studio called Motion Theory, and features a tavern full of sea-faring old men with beards swapping tales about their adventures, and the lead storyteller is none other than lead Mouseketeer Isaac Brock, who wears a very nice beard, and his hands grow into tentacles, and then becomes a microphone. You can watch the new Modest Mouse music video right here. You can also read about the process of making it, right on the filmmaker Motion Theory’s website. To give proper credit, I found out about it thanks to Justin at Motionographer.

2. There’s a popular radio show called “This American Life,” and somebody animated a segment of it recently.

This is a story about kids in elementary school who invented fake movie cameras out of paper towel rolls and boxes. It’s a fascinating story, it’s cute animation, and it’s well-told. “This American Life” is a smart, inventive show, hosted by Ira Glass and broadcasted from Chicago. Unfortunately it costs money to hear, which is why I’ve never heard a full episode, but this (free) segment should give a good glimpse about why so many cool people are into it. I imagine it’s a bit like “The Vinyl Café,” only with nothing to do with Dave and Morley.

3. Simon Rich wrote a funny piece for the New Yorker about children’s impressions of grown-up talk.

The New Yorker recently featured a very enjoyable article by Simon Rich, titled “The Wisdom of Children.” In it, he recounts how as a kid, he imagined what was going on at the grown-up’s table. Example:
GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.
DAD: We all are.

4. A new Wes Anderson film is being released for people who like movies with Bill Murray, Owen Wilson and Jason Schwartzman that are shot in India.

It’s called The Darjeeling Limited, and in addition to starring the above three actors, it also has Natalie Portman in it. I encourage you to read the full article on India Today, because you’ll find out that Bill Murray has been reborn as a talking albino leopard, and that the production team painted entire trains for the set. It sounds amazing. I credit the discovery to Jason Kottke of kottke.org.

5. Timbaland has been stealing music from an unsigned Finnish artist.

It’s true. Hip-hop’s production darling has lifted some cute Nintendo-style grooves from a Finnish artist called GRG, and applied the tunes to Nelly Furtado’s single “Do It,” as well as his own “original” ringtone collection. Thanks to bugmuncher’s post on Metafilter, you can listen to before-and-after snippets, and decide for yourself if you’re mad, happy, interested or just indifferent. Any one is fine.

---

That’s all the interestingness I can handle for today. If you’re looking for more things to do or think about, don’t forget to come up with some clever taglines for “The Ultimate Tagline Tournament!” that I’m hosting. You could a win a very special postcard from Airdrie, Alberta! I’ve already received a couple smashing entries from Harrison Mooney and Dixon Wixie, and you should make sure you get in on the action. Also, don’t forget: YOU can add artists’ albums and tour stops to the “Upcoming Releases Project,” which is a very very small-scale attempt to provide internet people with an easy way to find out when their favourite music is coming to town (or to their music store.)

This collaborative page aims to become a comprehensive listing of release dates or Western Canadian tour stops of notable indie-ish artists. It’s where to refer to when you want to find out when a certain artist will be releasing an album, or to see if an artist you like is coming to the Vancouver or Calgary areas. This list is driven by user submissions — you can help it grow by submitting your own hot news tips! The bottom of this page will help answer any other questions you have.

Each listing starts with the release date, linked to the primary source of information. The pertinent details, like the band name, producer or the venue, are listed after that. Date format is YYYY.MM.DD.

Music News

• 2007 - Late: New Counting Crows album. Produced by Gil Norton.
• 2007 - Unknown: New Radiohead album (speculative)
• 2007.05.01: New album from Feist, called “The Reminder.”
• 2007.05.17: Feist in Vancouver @ The Orpheum Theatre, 9 pm, $27.50.
• 2007.05.19: Feist in Calgary @ SAIT’s Jubilee Auditorium, 7:30 pm, $25.50

---

Why just Western Canada?
That’s where we live, and it’s a big deal when signed artists make it out to our neck of the woods. The furthest north they usually make it on tours is The Gorge in Washington State.

What’s the submission criteria?
Well, admittedly, the list is pretty subjective: I post about music that I like. Luckily for you, if you’re visiting this site, we probably share similiar tastes in music. If you need more clues, visit my Last.fm page for the stats on the top artists I listen to.

How do I submit my own tips?
Just send them my way using this contact form, and I’ll add them to the list as soon as possible. Make sure you include a link to the place you discovered the info, and a few words (about 10) about your news.

I’m holding a contest! It’s open to any living human being with access to the interweb, and a decent knack for wit within the language of English. You see that gray box in the top right corner of this site? It displays a new quote every time you refresh a page on my site. Try it now. Press refresh. See that? That’s the magic of the “Random Words” plug-in by Planet OZH.

Now, currently, all the quotes up there are mildly amusing (and somewhat disheartening) pieces of self-deprecating posturing. Besides coming across as strangely arrogant, in a reverse-psychology type of way, they’re also not very funny. I’d like YOU to help me out.

Please submit to me your own ideas for taglines to be featured in the rotating quote database at the top. I’ll select my very favouritest favourites for inclusion in the database. All participants will receive proper credit in a very special end-of-tournament post, including a link back to your own page. The person who submits THE best one will receive a handwritten postcard from me of Airdrie, Alberta, via the actual postal service. Isn’t that a wonderful prize?

Okay, here are the rules:

Your tagline may be complementary, absurd, sincere, neutral or insulting (or something else altogether)…you pick.

If possible, it should be vaguely related to my website, or its author.

No swearing, unless it’s particularly witty in the context.

Maximum: 15 words

Minimum: 10 words

Need some ideas or examples? Mike Karikas does something similar with his site, in your browser’s title bar. Check it out for the sake of coolness.

Those are the only important rules. To submit an entry, just visit my contact page to send me an email, and make sure you select “Tagline Tournament!” from the drop-down menu. Have fun, and tell your friends!

This day marks the inception of “Harrison Exists,” a green-ish coloured blog by a black-ish coloured person. If you’re wondering why this even matters at all, I’ll explain: Harrison (once known as “Harry”) is a culturally-informed style of smart person. He’s masterful at analyzing pop culture through a grad school lens, and brings grounded insight into topics of race, music, art and faith. Despite Harrison’s ability to supply captivating, rambling commentary on topics from blaxploitation to the Byronic hero, Harrison tends to stay clear of publishing his ideas to the web. That’s why this blog is worth paying attention to.

Currently pursuing his Masters in English at Trinity Western University, Harrison is also a good friend of mine. You can drop by Harrison Exists and read his debut post, an exploration into the “emblackening” of Fall Out Boy.

An excerpt:

“Kanye West’s remix of this song is designed to baptize the song in blackness, making it acceptable for the uneasy and self-conscious Negroes of the world to listen to it unashamed…Is the black lifestyle so sacrosanct that we have to emblacken elements of white culture in order to enjoy them?”

When this website first hit the tubes in late ’05, it was only through the modern miracle of hypertext that the site even behaved like a functional piece of Internet. It was slapped together with Frontpage (Express, no less) and foolishly designed with no thought to future expansion, and any time I wanted to add a new section I had to copy-and-paste my new image-mapped header navigation onto every single static page on the wizzy-wigged website. Anyway, February 2007 rolled around, and I was like, enough is enough, website. It’s time for Kevan Gilbert Online to meet Two Point Oh.

I’ve channeled the power of WordPress, selected a theme called Beautiful Day, and implemented an easier, better, faster, stronger way to do the web. The new system will allow me to manage and update this website with far greater regularity than before. Now, all I have to do is find a way to turn my imaginary readership into a real-life cyberspatial audience…

Life of Pi is being made into a movie. The screen adaptation of everybody’s favourite novel (by Canadian Yann Martell) won’t won’t be out until 2009, but I think it’s worth getting excited about. It’s being directed & filmed by Jean-Pierre Jeuner, the same director that did Amélie, which, if you remember, was a brilliant French film with gorgeous cinemtography and a flavour-filled style. If he and his team are behind Life of Pi, then I think it promises to be an engaging and visually rich film. I wonder how they’ll handle the ending?

Originally, M Night Shyamalan, the director behind Signs and The Sixth Sense, was slated to handle the directorial role for Life of Pi. Thankfully, M Night dropped out to produce Lady in the Water instead. Said to have been “the perfect person” to handle LoP, we all know it would have just been another suspensful, dimly-lit spiritually-infused allegory with a twist ending if M Night had done it. Life of Pi, as you know, is a suspensful, dimly-lit spiritually-infused allegory with a twist ending AND a tiger, so it’s probably best for somebody else to handle it.

After Shyamalan, they were hoping it would Alfonso Cuaron, the man behind Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, but “they” were subsequently disappointed when he too gave the big thumbs-down. If you are wondering who “they” are, it’s Life of Pi producer Gil Netten. Don’t worry that his most noteworthy credentials include mediocre pulp like Fever Pitch and Dude, Where’s My Car?, the role of a producer is simply to locate and hire the right talent to execute a concept. In the end, it’s the director who sets and tone and style, and in our case, Jean-Pierre Jeuner will be relying on the same Editor, Cinematographer and Costume Designer as he did with Amélie. This means that Life of Pi is bound to have not only a juicy flavour, but a coherent and sound artistic vision.