Today, I stepped on the Skytrain and was immediately surrounded by approximately 327 six-year-olds wearing toques and waving stuffed bunnies in the air. It seemed all the children in Burnaby had been ordered to evacuate the city en masse, and head towards downtown Vancouver. At least, it appeared that way until a Grown Up shouted “EVERYBODY STAY STANDING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SIT DOWN!!!” It was clear somebody was in charge, and when I asked a nearby gremlin what was up, he confessed it was a field trip to Science World.

I wish that the organizations we work for still arranged regular field trips, allowing adults the privilege of visiting nearby museums, scenic interest points and maybe the gravesites of famous dead people. However, when you try to organize a group of adults to move from one part of the city to another, it’s like respectfully inviting a group of babies to please spell their names backwards. All you get is a bunch of nonsensical screaming.

Consider an incident from this morning, on the bus:

At 10 am, there was a noticeable predominance of older folks riding the bus – most of them contentedly immersed in their blue fabric sites, a few squabbling for seats near the front. I was absently-mindedly reading a daily, sitting at the back of the bus, when suddenly a horrifying shriek pierced the near-silence.

“Yiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!” came the noise; it was the type of noise you’d expect from somebody who has just had their leg trapped in the bus door. But the only thing close to a medical emergency going on was the accelerated heart rates of the passengers. An older woman with a cane was busy exploding with rage: “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I WANTED YOU TO HOLD ON TO ME??” she screeched. Turns out, somebody had tried to stabilize the woman as she nearly fell on top of her fellow passengers.

She quieted down and said “Can I get off now?” to the bus driver. The courteous chauffer, not even at an official stop (but rather, just a light), opened the door and let the woman leave. The passengers let out a collective sigh — another failed attempt at adults trying to get along.

But wait, don’t give up hope yet. Just when you thought we were doomed, along comes John Chow, legendary internet mogul and superstar philanthropist. I won’t spoil the surprise, but let’s say John has pretty much started a worldwide blogathon. Head on over to John’s site to read about how a free lunch at Union Gospel Mission is turning into the fundraising spectacle of the century.

While the web is busy raising funds to help feed the homeless Thanskgiving, I’m spending the day over in UGM’s auxiliary headquarters at 659 E Hastings, manning the phones for the JRfm “Feed the Hungry” radiothon. If you can handle the onslaught of country music, tune in to hear amazing stories from UGM’s clients, and to hear this phone number broadcasted regularly: 604-874-8837. You can call in to make a donation, or donate online any time at over at the official UGM website.

And while we’re talking about the web, I’m pleased to announce that my own website just got a little more official. You can now point your browser towards kevangilbert.com any time you wish to visit the site. I acquired the domain name a few weeks ago, and just took the appropriate steps to redirect the domain to the existing site. I am planning (in the loosest sense of the word) to introduce a whole new design sometime over the next couple lonely winter months, which promises to be better! Bigger! Beautifuller!!

In the research process for purchasing my own-name domain name, I discovered a couple things: first of all, some hoser already scored the domain name “kevan.org” – however, it you do a quick Google search for “Kevan,” my site is the third answer to appear. Yay!

Alright, that’s about all the useless trivia for today. I have to get back to my annual Thanksgiving weekend rituals – wallowing in self-pity while ingesting regular doses of Sudafed capsules and trying to remember what it was like to have a holiday where I wasn’t afflicted by some mysterious ailment. Happy Thanksgiving!

• The Death of Detroit
• Dream: The internet is an endless white room
• Dream: The Twin Stories of the Pellegrino Professionals

Number of days since I last blogged: 29
Number of kilometers I’ve moved since last post: 979
Population of my previous city of residence: 28,927
Population of my new city of residence: 202,799
Square footage of previous residence: Over 2000
Square footage of new residence: 805
Time it used to take me to get to work: 25 seconds
Time it now takes me to get to work: 45 minutes
Number of co-workers I used to work with: 1
Number of co-workers I now work with: 4 – 150
Number of years I’ve been married, as of August 27, 2007: 1
Number of meals served at Union Gospel Mission each year: Over 280,000
Number of graduate students enrolled at UBC: Over 8,000

If you do the math, crunch the numbers, analyze the data, you should deduce that it’s been a tremendously busy period for us: from packing up our house in Airdrie to moving into our Burnaby condo, starting new jobs and new studies, adjusting to new commutes and new schedules…we’re as busy as Lower Mainland copper thieves. But hey, life is good, and if you’re in the “GVRD” anytime soon, drop in and we’ll serve you some tea.

It’s good to be back.

• The Death of Detroit
• A Digest of Recently Occurring Incidents
• Kevan and Kendra’s Budgeting Tips for Newlyweds
• Long weekend blitz
• Celebrity Iranian President Lookalikes

I have recently detected a surprising resemblance between the president of Iran, and two notable movie stars. The two young Hollywood meat-cakes are commonly known as Jake Gyllenhall (of Donnie Darko, Jarhead and Brokeback Mountain fame), and Ryan Gosling, who was in that one movie about the history teacher on drugs. The president of Iran is best known for being the 6th president of Iran, and for being the latest excuse for the US to get all war-mongery on our asses.

It is clear that Mr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is taking fashion and grooming cues from his Western counterparts. Image savvy is very helpful when you’re the president of a country, because I hear you have to be on TV a bunch.

If anybody starts talking to you about invading Iran, please calmly explain that Iran poses no threat, that it might be kind of deceitful, and that besides, why interrupt a leader who is busy being that handsome?

Addendum: My wife’s friend Julia pointed out that I should add Mr. Steve Carrell to the line-up: his beared appearance makes him an exact stunt-double for Mr. Ahma-daba-doo-dad. I then subsequently discovered that this co-relation has already been unearthed by The Frank Report. Well, I’ll be. Anyhoo, here’s Noah the Suicidal 40-Year-Old Boss Virgin, looking more ready than ever to lead a conflicted Middle Eastern nation:

• Countdown to the Folk Festival
• The Death of Detroit

Hawksley Workman

Sarah Slean

Rufus Wainwright

To take a look at the other acts that will be present at the shows, check out the line-up posted on the Folk Fest’s website. And if you’re planning to attend the Festival yourself, then see you at Prince’s Island!

• The Death of Detroit
• Dream: The Twin Stories of the Pellegrino Professionals
• Dream: The internet is an endless white room

Went camping in the backyard

That’s “the backyard” in quotes, of course, because it’s more like a small lawn-bowling pitch. Unfortunately, we only made it until 2:45 am, due to the extremely noisy suburban prairie winds keeping us awake.

Made waffles

But not JUST waffles…bacon as well.

Went to a Feist concert

You can read all about our Feist adventure right here.

Played the drums

Friends of ours had this kit stashed under their stairs, and they said I could take it home with me. Sweeeet.

Made mango & curried chicken salad

We found this recipe in a Good Housekeeping cookbook. It was amaaazingly good.

Had Christmas in May

We woke up Monday morning to find an inch of snow on the ground, so I put on Christmas music and made gingerbread & peppermint lattes. It was surreal.

• Blogging by numbers
• Dream: The internet is an endless white room
• The Death of Detroit
• Kevan and Kendra’s Budgeting Tips for Newlyweds
• A Digest of Recently Occurring Incidents

• Kevan and Kendra’s Budgeting Tips for Newlyweds

Ladies and gentleman, Detroit is on sale. We’re not talking some kind of 10%-off promotion, or a scratch-‘n-save discount. No, this is a fire-sale, bargain-bin, 90% off, everything-must-go, bankruptcy, grand-closing, limited-quantities sale. Detroit is going out of business, and everything is for sale, right down to the shelving.

As a modern Canadian, it is hard for me understand this kind of extreme depression. I first heard about it in March, and couldn’t believe what I was reading: houses are cheaper than cars? Families leaving in mass exodus? Entire portions of the city abandoned? At first I thought it was an urban myth, a huge exaggeration, a gross miscalculation. But it’s true: crime, population loss and decay are reshaping Detroit into a ghost town.

“The housing boom that swept much of the country in recent years has missed out on the city. Detroit, which has lost more than half its population in the past 30 years and struggled with rising crime, failing schools and other social problems. Prices have gained less than 2 percent per year in the five years since 2001, when the auto industry entered a renewed slump.” – (Jron Magcale)

Still not understanding the depth of this decay? (It took me a while)

Read Detroit Blog, a site maintained by an avid Detroit resident who is documenting the abandonment and celebrating the legacy of a once-vibrant city. The site includes great photos.

Browse these realty listings for homes in Detroit.

Check out this posting from Craigslist Detroit, where the homeowner is self-listing their home, built in 1971, for $4000, using photos from the family album to show the interior.

Read the market estimation from Zillow, which puts houses in this neighbourhood at an average of $11,000 per home:

View a Flickr photo set of urban decay & exploration in Detroit.

View these heartbreaking photos of abandoned churches, apartments and homes all across Detroit.

Join in on this Metafilter discussion about Detroit’s slow death. It’s the post that taught me what was happening in old Motown.

Personally, I find the case of Detroit to be completely heartbreaking, exhilarating, depressing and inspiring. This city is wide open. It’s dirt cheap. The buildings are empty. Should artists be flocking to the city to document and exploit its decay? Should those of us with cash be snapping up properties as fast as we can? Should corporations be trying to rescue and restore the town like Edward Bloom in the movie Big Fish? Or do we just let it go, step back, walk away, and let it die?

One last article that helps point the way forward: What Detroit Can Learn from Bangalore. Maybe there is hope. As Sufjan Stevens said, “Detroit, Lift Up Your Weary Head! (Rebuild! Restore! Reconsider!)”

• Blogging by numbers
• A Digest of Recently Occurring Incidents
• Dream: The Twin Stories of the Pellegrino Professionals
• Long weekend blitz
• Kevan and Kendra’s Budgeting Tips for Newlyweds

Whether you’re single or married, this budget thing is ridiculously useful. It has helped us pay back our debts, stay out of debt, put aside serious savings, and it helps us manage our money without accidentally overspending. And even though we called it the “newlyweds” budget, it will work just as well if you’re single, or have been married for years.

Brief Overview:

1. Figure out how much you make each month, in total.
2. Define your Obligations, Needs and Wants.
3. Assign limits that match your income and lifestyle.
4. Keep your receipts, and add them up each week.
5. Review once a month.

1. Figure out how much you make each month, in total.

Keep your pay stubs for a month, and add up how much your and your spouse/partner pull in by the end of the month, after tax and deductions. If either of your paycheques vary because of shiftwork or overtime, an average will be fine.

2. Define your Obligations, Needs and Wants.

The reason budgeting exists is to help you spend money on purpose. Part of that is knowing what you need and want to spend your money on in the first place. The best way to start is by separating your payments into three categories: Obligations, Needs and Wants. Don’t worry about filling in the numbers yet, just figure out what payments you make in the course of a month.

Obligations include bills you can’t stop paying. These include:

• Rent or mortgage payments
• Utilities bills, condo fees
• Car payments
• Debts, student loans repayments, etc.
• Savings, RRSP contributions, mutual funds, etc.
• Charitable giving

One of the most important things to consider for this category is Savings. Most people only put aside savings if they’ve got some cash leftover at the end of the month, but putting it aside as an obligation – that is, skimming it right off the top of your paycheque before you even get the chance to spend it – is extremely helpful. In fact, we’d say it’s necessary.

Needs include stuff you pretty much need in order to get by. These include:

• Groceries
• Gas
• Household goods like soap, toilet paper, etc.
• Dates

Yes, as cheesy as it is, my wife and I include “dates” under this category, since we figure spending time together each week is more than just a “want,” it’s a priority. (This is the intermission, where you can vomit if you wish.)

Wants are the things you can do without, but help make life a little funner. Talk with your spouse about what kind of items you want to include in this area of your budget. For us, it includes entertainment, clothing and spending cash. Of course, as newlyweds who probably aren’t making a ton of money, this is the area where a little bit of sacrifice is important. For instance, you might need to cut back on how often you eat at restaurants or go for drinks with friends.

3. Assign limits that match your income and lifestyle.

Once you’ve clarified your Obligations, Needs and Wants, you get to decide how much money you’ll be spending on each category. It’s important to customize it with two things in mind: how much money is available, and what kind of things are important to you. You might need a few drafts to get it right, and it will definitely require a little guesswork the first time you create this. Don’t worry, we always end up modifying this a little each month, as gas prices change, holidays come around, and so forth. Just grab a piece of paper, write down each item in your O-N-W list, and starting putting down numbers.

The important thing is that by the end of it all, it all ends up being equal to (or more ideally, less than) the amount you earn each month.

Here is a fictional example of what a completed Obligations, Needs and Wants list might look like:

As you can see, there’s a “leftover buffer” of $556. This is extremely useful, and you and your spouse should decide what to do with it. You can readjust your numbers so it’s all worked into your budget. Or, you can do what we do: use it as an emergency fund for when unexpected and bad things happen – say, your dishwasher breaks, or your blinds need replacing. Every couple months or so, once the buffer has accumulated in the bottom of our bank account, we scoop up a thousand dollars or so, and invest it in savings again.

4. Keep your receipts, and add them up each week.

A budget is useless if you spend outside of it. You need to have a way to make sure your spending is on track – besides seeing the credit card bill at the end of the month, that is.

You’ll need a chart to help you track your spending. If you hate details and administrative work, this might be kind of annoying, but it’s still important. We’ve created one that you are welcome to download and fill in your own numbers with, or you can create your own. Here’s what to do with it:

• Customize the chart for your budget. *
• Print it off and put it somewhere in your house that’s private but accessible.
• Keep your receipts.
• At the end of each week, spend 15 minutes with your spouse, and add up all the receipts from that week for each category. Make a note of how much you overspent or underspent.
• Throw out your receipts after each budget session (no reason to keep them, unless you’re returning something or submitting it for tax purposes.)

Doing that every week, and adjusting your spending accordingly, ensures that you will always have money in the bank.

* More on customizing the chart for your budget.

Once you download the Excel file, you’ll need to make it fit your budget.

• Make sure the number of days on the left hand side reflects the current month. Grab your Obligations, Needs & Wants list. What categories will you be tracking? Type in their names at the top of each section. You only need to track categories where purchase amounts fluctuate with each transaction (groceries, gas, etc,). No need to track rent, as it’s a flat amount each month.
• Grab a calculator, and figure out how much you can spend each week. You can do this by dividing the month total in each category by the number of days in the month. Multiply by seven – that’s your number for each week. For the last week, the one containing an irregular number of days – you do the month.

5. Review once a month.

At the end of the month, evaluate how the month went. How much did you over or under-spend? In what categories do the limits need to be raised or lowered? Were you able to live and eat comfortably? Are there any specific goals you’re saving for? (A new car, a bedroom suite, a new TV, etc.)

Following these tips have helped us SO much. Each month, we’ve come in around $20 – $40 over or under our budget, meaning that our spending is almost exactly on target. We don’t have any credit card debt, we’re steadily paying back a lingering student loan, and we’re investing and saving plenty of money each month. It’s awesome. It takes a bit of discipline, but it’s definitely worth it.

• 6 Rules for Online Fundraising for Non-Profits
• A Digest of Recently Occurring Incidents
• Ground beef curry with Kevan and Kendra!
• Dream: The internet is an endless white room
• The 10 Most Amazing Performances of the 2007 Calgary Folk Music Festival

I realize that somehow, we are INSIDE a website. This one is meaningless ad-generating spam site. A man is on the balcony above us, making a never-ending speech: butterflies erupt from his fingers, his grand gestures distribute stars and confetti, as he describes various products like a King introducing his new Queen, while light and colour play on a giant plasma screen above his head.

“Kendra,” I whisper to my wife. “Look up. I think I can see airplanes flying overhead, and maybe stars, too.” She looks with me, and we see yellow ripples through the fabric of the ceiling, miles and miles above us. Shapes seem to be moving overhead, beyond the translucent ceiling, and they do in fact appear to be airplanes.

“No,” she says emphatically. “You can’t think like that. The sky is literally millions of miles away from here. Stars and airplanes will never be visible from down here, not even with a telescope. We are situated at the base of just one tiny, infinitesimal room within the web – but the rest of the internet stretches beyond the galaxy. I know it looks like we can see the top, but we can’t, and never will.”

I realize she’s right, and the man on the balcony keeps talking.

• Dream: The Twin Stories of the Pellegrino Professionals
• Celebrity Iranian President Lookalikes
• The Death of Detroit
• Countdown to the Folk Festival

Dream: The Twin Stories of the Pellegrino Professionals

A dream I had while asleep during the early, early morning of March 10, 2007

A famous female author is strolling with a TV crew outside of a plantation/temple in Colombia. To our left is the low-ceiling building, which is some strange cross between an elementary school and a Buddhist temple. My wife and I are walking with the woman, the camera crew and the interviewer, across the landscaped concrete paths, as the author tells about her most recent book.

The interviewer prompts her: “We’ve all been hearing so much about the recent manuscript that was discovered by archeologists in this country. The book was never published or made famous, but having been uncovered in perfect reading condition over one hundred years later, is now creating a media storm as people notice the bizarre similarities between this mysterious manuscript and your own book.”

“Yes,” she says, being careful and contained. “As you know, the drone characters in my book are called Pellegrino. In real life, my mother’s side of the family are Davises, but my father and his family are all named Pellegrino.”

“In my book, I have called my characters Pellegrinos. I thought I was just creating a tribute to my father.”

“But this other book,” says the interview. “The one that was just discovered…the characters are ALSO called Pellegrinos. Is this true?”

“Yes, it’s quite an amazing coincidence. To think that an author living one hundred years before me, who created a work that was never publicized, crafted a story with such similar storylines and characters, even to the point of sharing the same name. It’s kind of scary, actually.”

“What are some of the key differences between this work and your own?” asks the interviewer.

“Well, in my book, the Pellegrinos have a very pathological sense of obedience. They’re obsessive and dangerous. In the other document, while they too exhibit a drone-like existence, are more passively obedient than my characters. They don’t carry their obedience to the same extremes.”

“What does this all mean?” the interviewer asks.

She pauses, “I like to think that it’s my ancestors, trying to communicate the same Story.”

My wife and I exchange knowing glances. We’ve recently talked in depth with our friend Harrison on the topic of Story — the idea of a single narrative theme that, regardless of civilization or upbringing, always appears in the same form in every culture.

“I also think that this story is a metaphor for humans passing time on earth through an obsession with Church.”

My wife and I, and the crew, pause to digest this idea.

Scene change. I am now exploring on my own, perhaps scouting locations on behalf of the TV crew, and I’m on the inside of the building we were filming outside of. I’m standing in the middle of a dim, endless corridor. The concrete floor tiles are in a checkerboard pattern, and the walls are a dark wood, shaped (but not coloured) like bamboo.

A collie stands in front of me. Her mouth quivers upward to expose her teeth. I’m scared of her, but also curious – she is not approaching me. I cannot read what this long-haired dog wants. Is it dangerous? Is she lost? Is it scared? Is it part of the story? I want it to lead me to the room we need to go to, and I try to prompt her by walking towards a door, but she growls, and I realize she won’t let me move. There is a distant humming sound, the lights flicker and the whole hallway seems to vibrate. The collie looks nervous.

Behind us, there is a tall doorway, which is part of another long corridor running perpendicular to this one. Above the archway, red letters in an Anglican script reads, “DO NOT LEAD PROFESSIONALS INTO CHAMBER.” I understood that the reason for this message: the “professionals” will do so themselves when the time is right.

I also understood that the professionals were the “Pellegrinos” from the author’s story. The TV crew was back, and they were creating a documentary that would re-enact the storylines from both the live author’s story, and the recently discovered manuscript.

The “Professionals” (or Pellegrinos) describe a passive, obedient populace that all walk single file. Clothing is not uniform (some wear jeans, some wear orange prison jumpsuits, a majority have shaven heads). The TV producers have hired extras to re-enact the process of a scene from the story: these people are walking the hall, under the arch with the red warning script, single file, purposefully, like zombies. It is not clear what this march is all about, but they are definitely entering “the Chamber.”

Scene change. In the main sanctuary, which may also be “the Chamber,” there are wooden pews, and the extras, playing the Pellegrino, lounge around waiting for instructions from the preacher/director at the pulpit. The Pellegrinos, in this environment, are called The Listener.

There are crates of bananas on the floor, with a banana company’s logo. The company is called Bana-banana, but it has a similar corporate presence to Coca-Cola or Chiquita. The company has some sort of role in this story, and I understand that this company is the oppressor, the captor, but simultaneously the supplier of the bananas which keep these people alive and grateful for it.

“How does this company feel about being such a villainized part of the story?” I ask the producer.

“They know they have to accept it,” replies the producer. “It’s part of the Story.”

I take my seat in the pews beside a man in a very casual pose.

“It’s easy to stand out,” he whispers to me. “But nobody in the book does, because they don’t know how, and they’re told not to. But watch this.”

He stands up. The entire gathering of Pellegrinos gasp, and it’s clear he has broken a serious taboo. All arms point to him, and the room whispers and then begins yelling, calling him by his new name: no longer Listener, this man is called Worker.

Now, other people start standing too, as they realize they don’t have to sit. There is Singer, there is Walker. Everybody is standing, there is chaos, everybody is moving towards the hallway now, trying to resume walking under the arch that says “DO NOT LEAD THE PROFESSIONALS…”

• Countdown to the Folk Festival
• Dream: The internet is an endless white room
• The Death of Detroit
• Kevan and Kendra’s Budgeting Tips for Newlyweds
• A Digest of Recently Occurring Incidents