Found on a bulletin board in Airdrie’s Towerlane Mall. I hope she found someone to knit her that awesome-looking…housecoat?

This plastic kid’s toy sword was found hanging on a wall in a dollar store. Your englishes are have broken!

No, but I could use that fur to knit this sweater I’m working on.

These enormous boxes of Aviv “Passover Matzos” are now on sale at your neighbourhood Costco. Oy vey!

Found in the “Rare Book Room” at Powells, the world’s largest bookstore, in Portland, Oregon.

I drew this on the butcher paper tablecloth at Montana’s, where Kendra and I dined before catching Pirates 3. Kendra wrote the “Ahoy Mateys!” part, and the speech bubble, which are awesome.

Also found in Powell’s, this sticker stands for the cry of artist’s wives everywhere, once they realize that marrying an artist means they will never have money, practical household items, or joy.

This is MY wife, who married a quasi-artist, and who is clearly happy about it.

Lastly, here is a sweet vehicle decal we saw near Revelstoke. “Creating your grandchildren’s heirlooms,” is the company’s motto. Great. As if you didn’t have enough junk of your own, now your grandma’s gonna offload that giant wooden weaving loom that’s been in her attic for 76 years.

A Christmas spoof of biblical proportions, including the Life and Ministry of Santa. Condensed from the Holy Book of Claus. (more…)

This absurdly academic essay spends ten pages answering the question we’ve all been dying to know: who would win in a fight between a penguin and a lemur? By analyzing fighting styles, weaponry, environmental and behavioural differences, I suggest the likely combat outcome between a prosimian and a sphenisciforme. Please enjoy consuming this essay with your eyes & brain. (more…)

I try to be nice to store employees. I mean, they put up with a lot, and don’t usually get much credit for it. This carries over to my daily interactions with Sodexho employees, who tend to take about as much crap as they dish out. This means that every time I ask for some Curried Feta Seafood Slomp, I’ll begin by saying something like “How’s your day going?” It’s common courtesy, right? It’s pretty normal, isn’t it? I thought so too. I guess we’re polite to store employees because we all naively assume that our relationship will stay on an employee/customer level, and they won’t develop stalker-like obsessions with us and end up trying to murder us on deserted back-roads. I guess we all assume that most employees are not “Trevor MC”. (more…)

It was 4 am. I was sleeping, which is traditionally how I like to spend my 4 ay-ems. My roommate Luke was also fast asleep – or possibly slow asleep, I couldn’t tell – and was sprawled out on the lower bunk. If I remember correctly, I was having my usual recurring dream - the one where Bob Saget throws an overhead projector at me as he drives by in my parent’s minivan - when suddenly, I was awoken by somebody yelling, “What the freak took you guys so long?” (more…)

This week, I have noticed a surprising increase in the number of people who approach me to ask “What happened to your face?” In the past, this question has been meant as some kind of insult, and it usually only pops up about once a week – typically Thursdays - when my enemies start feeling particularly wily. But this week…baby, this week, it’s non-stop face-questioning action. I’m talking everybody from professors to presidents, students to Student Life workers, ladies and lords alike – everybody you can imagine is asking, insisting, demanding to know – what happened to my face? (more…)

I didn’t expect today to be my last day of work. My boss and I had agreed that Thursday of this week would be the end of my term of service, and at that point I’d gracefully bow out, say my goodbyes, and who knows, maybe even be the guest of honour at a surprise going away party, where there’d be cake and balloons and a giant banner saying “WE’LL MISS YOU TONS KEVAN” and a donkey piñata and free sandwiches and a signed card from all my co-workers, which would say “Happy wishes for all your endeavours.” (more…)

Thanksgiving means something different to everyone. For some, it is a time to gather together with friends and family to gleefully participate in the atrocities of the wildfowl genocide that happens each year on turkey farms worldwide. For others, thanksgiving means giving thanks for the gifts one has thankfully been given. For me, however, thanksgiving has become a time of pure dread. It’s barely even fun anymore. You see, over the past couple years, I’ve picked up on this pattern in my life: every time a holiday comes around, I end up with some weird disease that alienates me from my friends and family and leaves me all alone in a black world of desolate agony. (more…)

Human beings and animals alike have an unwritten rule that if you borrow someone else’s stuff, you are not supposed to break it. And if you break it, you’re supposed to get it fixed. And to get it fixed, you must be willing to walk through the worst scourges of this cold earth, fighting man and beast and nature to ensure the borrowed broken item is repaired and returned, lest you be exiled forever to amateur wrestling school. Or something like that. (more…)

When I was 14 years old, in the mournful winter days of a pre-millenium February, my very first girlfriend ever broke up with me after 8 months of earnest yet naïve dating. Of all possible days to break up with me, she chose Valentine’s Day. And she did it over e-mail. The e-mail consisted only of the lyrics to the song “Believe” by Cher, followed by the words “I’m…I’m sorry.” For a brief simulation of how this must have felt, please briefly visit this unknown person’s GeoCities page, and then come back right away. (more…)

Man, it’s already fall. The leaves are turning the colour of 70s living room décor, and I can see my breath inside my bedroom. Unlike summer, which announced itself two months in advance with flirtatious giggles, October just showed up out of nowhere, like a light-brown portable in the middle of your frisbee field. Before I knew it, I was already packing my bags and heading off to eat turkey and celebrate Thanksgiving. Canadian Thanksgiving, that is. There’s a difference. Unlike Americans, we Canadians actually know the history of our holiday, and flaunt it with yearly pageants and historical re-enactments. (more…)

When I first rolled into Trinity Western University in my parent’s minivan on O-Day oh-two, it was only my second time ever visiting the campus. The previous January, I had taken a quick tour in the middle of a snowstorm with a friendly Egyptian named Sam, but all I remembered from that were the hours for the Mail Centre (9 am to 5 pm, Monday – Friday, if you were wondering) . I knew I was showing up for something called “Orientation Week”, but the name didn’t offer many details on what my First Day at College was going to be like. (more…)