Lord of the Ringworm
By Kevan • Feb 13th, 2007 • Category: Humour & Stories
This week, I have noticed a surprising increase in the number of people who approach me to ask “What happened to your face?” In the past, this question has been meant as some kind of insult, and it usually only pops up about once a week – typically Thursdays - when my enemies start feeling particularly wily. But this week…baby, this week, it’s non-stop face-questioning action. I’m talking everybody from professors to presidents, students to Student Life workers, ladies and lords alike – everybody you can imagine is asking, insisting, demanding to know – what happened to my face?
Seriously, is this some kind of sick joke? Am I missing something? Did some new low-budget smash-hit movie just get released where the nerdy main character always says “What happened to your face?” and now everybody thinks its hip to quote it? Because if that’s it, it’s not funny and you should stop it. Gosh.
The truth is, you don’t want to know what happened to my face. If I tell you, you won’t want to be my friend. This has been scientifically proven through a series of controlled experiments conducted throughout the week. On average, 8 out of 10 people, upon discovering what’s “wrong” with my face, will perform the following four-step reaction: 1) Stop smiling, 2) Step back, 3) Say “Oh”, “Ew” or “That’s disgusting, get the heck away from me you disgusting piece of crap,” and then 4) Turn and run as far away from me as possible. I am becoming the campus leper, exiled and invisible in your very midst. Friends (soon to abandon me) and strangers (soon to avoid me), let it be known: I have ringworm.
It’s on my chin, perched there like a miniature Jabba the Hutt, grunting and oozing with infectious joy. I have no idea how I contracted it. I consulted my trusty friend The Internet, and he informed me that “Ringworm is a contagious skin infection very common among cats and high-school wrestling teams”. You’d think these criteria would immediately rule me out, but apparently I am a cat. Or maybe a 16-year-old wrestler. Or maybe a 16-year-old wrestling cat. With ringworm. On my chin.
Doc Hitchman tells me it’s a “fungal infection”. Although the idea of mold and mushrooms growing on my face isn’t very appealing, it’s a relief to know that “ringworm” does not mean there are actual worms in my chin, squirming with parasitic delight. However, in my most reason visit, the Good Doctor made the disturbing revelation that my fungal infection was starting to be taken over by “colonies” of bacteria.
The colonization of my chin started sometime last week, when bacterial settlers traveling from Europe on the Mayflower came ashore directly above my goatee. Currently, they seem to be celebrating Thanksgiving. Memos from the colonial governor inform me that they have established contact with the local natives, and have already started to trade goods. And by “trade goods”, he means “Violently attack my chin with machetes o’ fire”.
I’m really hoping they pack up their ships and sail back to the motherland pretty soon. In the meantime, I still gotta put up with the questions. No matter who I talk to, somebody taps their own chin with a finger and looks at me curiously: “Whatcha got there?” Hey, it’s ringworm, okay? It happens. To cats.
Maybe this is a stretch, but I think everybody has ringworm. Not literally, of course. It’s a metaphor. Ever screwed up in the midst of friends & enemies? Ever lapse into autopilot as your faith fails you? Experienced failure, weakness, despair? It’s called making mistakes. It’s called being human. And for some reason, it’s like walking around with a big swollen rash on your face. We’re never gonna really find out what this “authenticity” thing means until we can acknowledge that every single person around us is just as infected as we are. As Jesus once said, “How can you talk about the zit on your brother’s face when you’ve got ringworm on your chin? Go join a high-school wrestling team or something.”
by Kevan Gilbert
Kevan is a life-size replica of a 5'8" tall human being. He has a BA in Media Communications from Trinity Western University, and spends 1/4 of his spare time scribbling down impossible ideas in his Moleskine. The other 3/4 of his time is spent with his beautiful wife Kendra, who spends 1/4 of her spare time guarding Kevan's back. Kevan is originally from Fruitvale, BC, and is generally a nice person.
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Bless your heart…I had a pretty nasty case of ringworm in the crook of my left elbow (itches like crazy doesn’t it) but if there were a prize for this horrible stuff you would win! I hope you have healed nicely and the assholes who have nothing better to do other than ask “hey…what’s that” find another occupation.
Hahahaha, I was just cleaning out my favorite bookmarks and I came across this page again. I remember bookmarking it because it was so hilarious I had to share it with a few co-workers. I happened across it when I was looking up info on a rash. Anyways, I hope by now the ringworm is gone. And great writing!!!! :)
I’m sure it’s gone. and I see you don’t post often- if ever anymore.
I did this search… on ringworm “Why?”, you ask? - perhaps you didn’t ask but I’m telling you the obvious anyway. I have ringworm. It doesn’t look quite that bad. Hell, how would I know… it’s on my hairline on my neck. I took photos with my digi and the best that I can tell is that I looks like something from Night of the Living Dead.
I’m kinda scared. And it hurts so bad.
I was going to stop applying rubbing alcohol regularly because I haven’t seen it get better. Now that I’ve noticed how bad it can get I will continue to apply my treatment. I figure if it’s not getting better the least I can do is keep it from being more infected.
I feel so bad that you had this on your chin. Mind is hidden and I’ve been very selfconscious.
Take care and thanks for making me not feel so damned alone.
This stuff is sick! ug.
i was researching ringworm since my sister recently discovered she had it and i came across this. you sir, are brilliant. we to take a crappy situation and put a comedic twist on it. bravo!
Hi! Very funny writing. I had ringworm on my cheek my freshman year of high school (you can imagine). I contracted it after taking home the little plastic doll one weekend for a parenting lesson in Home Ec. Returned the doll, got ringworm. Didn’t seem like a fair trade to me. Luckily, I got an A. Anyway, I made the mistake of rubbing Tea Tree Oil on it then putting a band aid on over night. The Tea Tree Oil may have killed the fungus, but it burnt my skin, leaving the lovely round dot on my cheek the entire year. I put make up on, which for some reason only made it darker. It did fade though, thankfully, one week after summer vacation started. Luckily, my case wasn’t as bad as your’s, but I do feel for you completely! My experience did give me character, and a whole lot more compassion for others! Hopefully you’re all healed up, and bless your heart for having such a good sense of humor!
Hello I love the story, you make your point and some fun, I feel you tho I have ringworm on my foot and my dog has it on his stomach so I take it the mutt gave me his infection.
i think that is just gross but i feel bad for you because you will have it on your face forever and people will maybe make fun of me and i feel really bad you should stay away from people so they wont get it and you ringworm is really bad and infected i showed my mom this picture and she just scream and yelled “what the heak is that?” i replied”ringworm” every body in my family was scared that they might get it but luckly they wont get it again i said i feel really really really really really really bad
I’m here only to clarify.
Fret not, Samantha. Ringworm is a temporary affliction. I have seen Kevan recently and I assure you that he does not, any longer, have ringworm.
oh lord I had that same exact thing on the top of my head about 11 years ago it was horrible. you probably wont be able to grow hair there for years, well that’s what happened to me.
I just had ring worm all over my entire body! i was out of work for over a week. I thought it was some type of posion ivey, but i went to the hospital and they told me it was ring worm. i got that medication and found out where it was from. it came from my friends cat who infected the entire room i was sleeping in!!! thats why i got it all over my body
needless to say, its gone now.. took two weeks but it was the worst crap!!! love the story man, i had the same sense of humor at work with my coworkers.
WTF!!! dude thats just fuken gross !! oh and jen you are one sick bitch ugh !! that shit is not funny fuck i think your the one with the problem your head is to deep in your ass .
OMG!!! I have the exact samething on my chin!! just as big but not as bad…i soo feel your pain when people look at your chin and not at you and when they ask me what up with your chin and i tell them they just look at me as if im going to give them coodies…when i found out the doctor told me i had impetigo and not ringworm and gave me an antibiotic then i went there again and saw a differ doctor and he told me it wasnt that.. that it was for sure ringworm…i hope its better i know it will leave a bad scar :)
You have writing talent. I would be interested in seeing an up to date photo, although quite honestly I would probably not return here to your site. Anyway, this is my two cents. Chin up :)
You are talented when it comes to writing. I bet you are a funny guy. Thanks for having the guts to post this and the ablility to laugh at the situation. Chin up :)