A Christmas spoof of biblical proportions, including the Life and Ministry of Santa. Condensed from the Holy Book of Claus.

The Birth of Santa

In those days, the Ipsos-Reid Organization conducted a poll to determine the demographics of the entire civilized world. And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Mr. Claus Sr. also went down from the Pole in the North, to America, to the City of Angels, the town of the Governator. He went there to register with Ms. Claus, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She strapped him in swaddling Huggies™ and placed him in a FisherPrice™ cradle in a product display aisle in WalMart™, because there was no room for them in the Holiday Inn™.

The Advertisers and the Agents

And there were advertisers out on the patio of their time-share condominiums nearby, keeping watch over their stock portfolios by night. Suddenly, an agent from upper management appeared to them, and the headlights of the limousine shone around them, and they were terrified. But the agent said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for the entire corporate world. Today in the town of the Governator, a poster child has been born to you; he is Santa the Claus. With his image, you will be free to promote reckless consumption. This will be a sign to you: you will find a baby dressed in Huggies™ and lying in a FisherPrice™ cradle in a WalMart™.

Suddenly a great company of salesmen appeared with the agent, praising Santa and saying “Glory to greed in the department stores, and praise to the profits made by selling excess merchandise.”

When the salesmen had left them and gone into their budget meetings, the advertisers said to one another, “Let us go to WalMart™ and see this thing that has happened, so that we may exploit the baby for our profit.”

So they hurried off and found Mr. and Mrs. Claus Sr., and the baby, who was lying in the Fisher-Price™ cradle. When they had seen him, they started marketing campaigns centered around the image of this child, and all who saw were persuaded by what the advertisers said to them. And many bought unnecessary items and hoarded them in their houses. The advertisers returned, glorifying and praising greed for all the things they had sold to people, who bought exactly what they were told.

The Boy Santa at the Temple

Every year, Santa and his parents would travel to America for the day-after-Thanksgiving shopping extravaganza. When he was twelve years old, they went up to the mall, according to the custom. After their shopping spree was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Santa stayed behind at the mall, but they were unaware of it. Thinking he was in their Dodge Grand Caravan, watching a movie on their built-in DVD console, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him amongst the plush seat cushions. When they did not find him, they went back to the mall to look for him. After three days, they found him in the food court, sitting among the senior citizens at the lotto booth, jingling his bell and asking for monetary donations. Everyone who heard him was persuaded by his jolliness and his compassion. When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.”

“Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know that if you really wanted to discover my location, you could have purchased this handy GPS tracking system, now available at your local RadioShack for the low, low price of $7999.99 American?” But they did not understand what he was saying to them.

And Santa grew in popularity and stock value, and even had his own holiday started in his honour. It would be a season for people everywhere to get further into debt, acquire more and more superfluous possessions, and they would call it Christmas.

The Temptation of Santa

Santa, filled with the Holiday Spirit, returned from his stint in the Macy’s Day Parade, and wandered out into the McDonald’s parking lot, where for forty seconds he was tempted by the delicious pictures on the menu. He ate nothing during those seconds, and at the end of them he was very hungry.

The delicious pictures on the menu said to him, “If you are truly Santa the Claus, go buy that Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. And Super-Size-It.”

Santa hesitated for a moment, then answered, “It is written: why the heck not?” And he did.

The Calling of the First Little Helper

One day as Santa was sitting in his display sleigh in the mall, with the children crowding around him requesting iPods and Pokemon cards, he saw at the food court’s edge a shopping cart, left by a shopper who was visiting the restroom. Santa went to the cart, which belonged to a man called Wishlist, and when he re-emerged from the washroom, asked him to push it through the store again. Then they went down every aisle and put something from each aisle in the cart.

When they finished shopping, he said to Wishlist, “Go for another lap of the store, and get one of everything.”

Wishlist answered, “Santa, we’ve shopped all night and haven’t bought anything we actually need. But because you say so, I will go for another lap around the store.”

When he had done so, they had gathered such a large number of goods that the shopping cart began to snap. Then Santa said to Wishlist, “There is no such thing as having too much. Do not be afraid to overconsume. From now on you will be shoppers of mass proportions.” So he pulled his shopping cart up to the till, bought everything and followed Santa.

The 12 Little Helpers

One of those days Santa went out to the Olive Garden, and spent the night eating never-ending pasta bowls and breadsticks. When evening came, he called his little helpers to him and chose twelve of them, whom he also designated apostles: Wishlist (whom he named Greedy), his brother Needy, Shopper, Dropper, Miser, None-the-Wiser, Advertiser, Spender, Lender son of Splendor, Credit who was called the Swiper, Debit son of Convenience, and Cash, who became a traitor.

The Passion of the Claus

The stories of Santa’s ministry are as numerous as they are inspiring – indeed, this one account of his deeds and words do not hint at half the light Santa brought to this world. Thousands more tales can be told of Santa’s life. I could tell of the Woman at the WalMart, the parable of the unstuffed stocking, or the story of the Last Christmas Dinner.

I could tell you of how Santa generously bestowed PS3s unto all the unimaginative, inactive children of the world, or of how he cured the world of conservative spending limits. And if only I had the time, I could tell you the most important story of all: of how Santa was betrayed by his little helper, Cash, and was then hung from a Christmas tree to pay for our obsessions, but rose again while listening to Third Day (one of the artists featured on the soundtrack to the major motion picture, the Passion of the Claus). But we’ll save that one for Easter.

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“If anyone would come after me, he must deny his self-control and take up his charge card daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his money should spend it, but whoever spends his money for me will own tons of stuff. What good is it for a man to save some cash, and miss out on gaining the whole world?”
The Gospel of St. Nicholas, 9:23-25

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by Kevan Gilbert